The beginning of everything (02/11/2024)

Hello World. All good? Hehe. I hope so.

I must confess, I'm a little embarrassed to write here. It's a contradictory and even strange feeling, which I don't know how to put into words right away. I spent this whole week wanting to create a website on Neocities and, well, here I am!

When I actually sat down to start programming I didn't had any ideas in mind or rather, I had so many that I was mentally stuck. I think my expectations were high, or rather, they still are...

What made me start the idea of creating something here was... a mix of nostalgia and, mainly, the desire to create something for myself. Put my heart out. Just... allow myself, without being judged. Trying to have things for myself, without having to perform for anyone and, above all, fall in love with programming again.

Creating this website and going through the troubles putting it together made me realize that, in fact, I always loved programming it had only temporarily lost its meaning, because I stopped focusing on the most important thing: me. Doing it for the simple pleasure of creating things for myself..

You know, before I actually started getting my hands dirty, I had an unrealistic fear of making mistakes? As if it wasn't good enough, I shouldn't even start. Talking to my therapist in the last session she said: If there is a fear, it's because you need external approval. You create expectations and focus on other people when you should get and expect that approval from yourself.

This is important to me because... the reason I started this blog(?) project(?) is precisely to be myself. I don't know where this is going to end or what I'm going to do. Like a child being born, I just wanted to put something out, and I did... And I couldn't be more grateful for that.

PS: The official birthday of this blog is November 1th!

My love letter to Clamp (11/03/2024)

I first got to know Clamp's work through my older cousin. In fact, he didn't even introduce me directly - it was my uncle, his father, who put on some episodes of Magical Girl Rayearth for me to watch at his house during my school holidays.

I remember the room where I watched the episodes, because my uncle had an incredible collection of DVDs, CDs and VCRs. Writing this, I realized that I never asked my uncle if he had ever seen any of my cousin's anime.

The tapes were his. I don't know if they still exist, but it was because of my cousin that I got to know what Japanese animation was.

I still remember the euphoric feeling I felt when I watched them for the first time. Recently, I had a similar flashback showing Fairy Tail to some kids.

There is a certain magic in the unknown, when you are not used to a myriad of plots and twists, and as cliché as they may be, these events surprise you. After all, things are only clichés because, sometimes, they weren't. Repetition made them more common, that's all.

That said, I don't hate clichés. They're kind of nostalgic to me. I think I care more about how they're executed.

It's a little sad to think that, as we grow up, we lose that 'glow' of innocence, of novelty, of looking at the unknown as a feeling of an adventure to be explored.

At least that's what I've been trying to remind myself lately, as I navigate this great adventure called life.

I remember the first episodes of Magic Knight Rayearth. When the girls arrived in Cephiro for the first time... I simply found the view beautiful, captivating. Like looking at the horizon of an endless sea and being absorbed in the landscape. I have no better words to say how impressive it was for me. Just that it brought me a warm feeling of happiness.

Updates (11/07/2024)

Again, it's a rainy day. When I first created this page, it was a rainy weekend. A whole week has been something like this. I like rain, but at the same time, not so much. They are relaxing, but they ruin my laundry days and my dogs can't go on walks.

I should be working, but instead I'm procrastinating a bit writing this post. I'm excited! Today, Nagabe begins his journey in Brazil. He is my favorite mangaka and Monotone Blue is the work of his that I love the most. Unfortunately it has not been translated into Portuguese yet. I hope one day it will be. Not only Monotobe Blue but also EAT, which is a work waiting for their pre-release. Nagabe is best known for his work The Girl From The Other Side. All his works are good. If you like reading manga, I recommend them all.

Since Nagabe-sensei is here in Brazil, I'm going to try to get his autograph! If I can, I'll not only post a photo here and talk about what it was like being there later! I'll be seeing him, if everything goes well, on Saturday. I'm more than excited to see him.

Other than that, I'm coding a page related to ZZZ. It will take a long time. It has more things compared to this one, but it's been fun! It took me less time to create it than this one, but it will be more complex too. I'm taking my time developing it while, at the same time, playing the new content that has becomes available on ZZZ. The update this time was really big! There are several events to play.

That said, I need to go now. It's time to return to work. If you've read this far, thank you very much for following my updates! :) I hope you have a great week.

Oof. Hello everyone!

Do you guys still remember me? I hope you do! Hahaha

I haven't uploaded much here because, truth to be told, my life has become quite a mess in these days. I have struggled with work, my personal relationships and my health both mentally and physically - but I'm okay now!

This is going to be along text, I suppose. Perhaps, view this as a combination of a very big rant and also life updates, so you can know me better while I update this.

Funny unrelated note: Today is raining as well!!! It seems everytime I update my website, it's always raining. There is something very soothing about rain for me. It's kinda like... unpacking emotions. Even nature has to cry sometimes, and I know that is just myself projecting my thoughts on the concept of rain... but there's just... something very soothing about it. When I was little, I used to despise rain. I always liked sunny days, because you could play outside with your friends and family — but lately, I.. kinda made peace with it? My long despise of rain, that is. Now, rain is soothing for me. To stay inside and think while listening to the sound of rain outside. To know that, eventually, the sun will come out again and the water that poured will help plants to grow and, luckly, yourself too. You will be fine after a rainy day. A rainy week. A rainy year. The sun is always there, even if you don't see it. That is the kind of thinking that made me go on in life. I got an idea of changing the layout of this website to combine both my OC from Webfishing and a rain effect css (Later, perhaps new year? I dont know hehehe)

Oh wow! Finally what I was supposed to talk about. (LOL) Remember when I talked before how I went to see Nagabe-sensei on Brazil? Sadly, I wasn't able to meet him in person. :c

I was very sad for not being able to get his autograph and also cried A LOT because of it. I even made my boyfriend feel worried about it, but it happens. There was a lot of people and not enough numbers on the meet-up. But looking back now, after I'm not so emotional about it, I'm very happy that I went there anyway. I got posters and also thematic cups!!! The staff gave it away for free and they were very kind about it.

December was also a ride. I lost my job, but I was conforted by my friends and my boyfriend, and I'm very glad I have them.

If you read this so far, thank you for taking your time to reading me yap about a ton of things! Really appreciate it. See you soon, and stay safe!

Anxious heart (12/30/2024)

Hello! By the time this is out, you will see 2 new posts. This one and the one below, that I've wrote but haven't uploded before.

I did this because, while writing, I had an idea for a new design for a website. Do you see the pink cat on the left? That's Chen!

She's going to be a mascot for my blog and it is also a persona I use when I play Webfishing with my friends.

Regarding today, strangely, it's a sunny day. This is funny because, if you read my other posts, you will notice that I tend to write a lot on rainy days. It's just something that happened almost 100% of the time.

About my feelings, today my anxiety is on a all-time high, sadly. I hope January comes and, when it comes, the new year helps me bringing good news and also less anxiety. Due to my work and my soon to come vacation, my future is incertain. I hope I get less stressed soon.

Luckly, today is the day I speak with my therapist, so I will handle it.

Also, I will be probably out during the holidays and will only come back in January, so, happy new years, everyone! I hope a great year comes for every single one of us.

PS: Remember the shrine I was making related to ZZZ? Yeah, I scratched the project.

I also have no idea how this site is looking on mobile or other devices, sorry about that. Will update later.

Happy birthday to me! (01/06/2025)

IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!

ALSO HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYONE!

A lot of people is afraid of growing up, and me as well sometimes; however I also find growning up to be beautiful. Some people find it hard when it's the day of their birthday, or they simple don't mind it. To me, this day is not about me aging, even if that is inevitable, but a reminder that I'm not alone. To be grateful that I have people around me that loves me. I really shouldn't take it take it for granted. That our friends, as well as our presence have meaning, impact, even if what we really can control out in life is minimal.

Yesterday, I saw a tiktok video that made me think. As a friend, a lover and a person in my family, I strive to be a safety net for the people that I care about.

The important part, actually, is that I should do that, mostly, to myself. Currently, I'm on a somewhat turbulent and anxious period of my life. Not as turbulent as I've already experienced (I've been unemployed, mentally ill, emotionally and financially dependant of a significant other before) so I'm sure the current time is better than previous experiences and I will handle it. But the last months were also the period I started taking medication for anxiety needless to say, I'm still adapting to it.

If you're also in the same journey as taking your medication (did you took your pills today?), have faith! It will get better, it will get better! I promise!

I've done some quick introspection, that I need to delve into further, how my anxiety lessened when I realized that I could be the safety net to myself. That I should be the safe place for myself, first and foremost. That is important to be judgemental of your life and where you are going, yes, but not to beat yourself when you don't know or when you don't have clear plans.

That plans are just that... plans. Changeable, imprevisible like life itself. And if they don't work, it's okay. You make new, better plans.

It can be a little silly to read the thing below but please, don't mind the little self boost here, my inner child needs it, okay?

Happy Birthday, me!

I'm so proud of the woman you became and you're doing great!

We will always be fine! Things may not be perfect, we will fail and also learn a lot, but try your best to enjoy the ride.

Relax, because I will always catch you. ALWAYS.

- Best wishes, Yourself.

Where have I been? (24/05/2025)

"Rain won't fall forever."

Hello, kind reader.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Truth to be told, I was depressed with my life. Trully depressed. Turns out, anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. Not in equal amounts, but like sisters that may call each other sometimes, and when they do, shit hits the fan.

As I've told in previous posts, maybe in not the most clear ways, I had to return to my therapist. I had to start taking meds for anxiety and GOOD FUCKING THING I DID!

To save a long explanation, I finished my therapy sessions. I'm still taking my meds because chemicals like these need to be taken at least by a whole year, so I'm doing that. After that I will slowly diminish my dosage until I'm free from it.

I will say taking meds for a physiological problem isn't a joy ride. That are days that I feel numb inside. Others, like the medicine took off all my creativity and sense of humor... because, as it turns out, it does! (lol)

Anyhow, I feel much better recently. I also took the decision to not talk about what triggered most my anxiety here in the site.

What is important to me, in the grand scope of things, is that I started being myself again.

Doing things I enjoy, just for the sake of it. Doing chores, which where a problem most of the time because I couldn't feel like I was "good enough" or was too mentally and physically drained to do them, because *plot twist*, you can't separe them!

My perfectionism still exist, of course, but it has been much more "tamed", even if I don't think it's the right word for it. I would say, I'm allowing myself to be my most chaotic, but also the freest I've been so far. I'm allowing my own existence to.. breathe. My creations, to be imperfect, because all things are, but also be genuine.

I'm "fixing" myself, by not fixing myself. Does that make sense?

Simply put, I'm allowing my own being to be quirky. To be happy, and mad, and sad and a cry-baby and not at all a "perfect", "all the time" responsible and effective person.

Something that my boyfriend told to me, who has resounded deeply to me was:

"Make stuff for your entertainment."

For the sake of it. Just because. Because it's fun. Because it's pretty. Because you like it.

Even if it will be difficult to do or you don't know how to start, even if it won't be perfect even more so when you begin doing something you haven't ever done before.

Do it.

Create the imperfect things you love.

In your own time.

I believe that was the feeling that drove me back to this space, and why I also changed everything. Because this space is no more a "place to rest, where it always rains" but "a place for freedom", where if it rains, it rains. If it pours, it pours. But mostly, if it shines, it illuminates everything like the brightest sun.

At least, it is how I feel on the inside.

Out here, in the real world, things aren't perfect. After all, nothing is.

But what matters is that I'm happy. I'm trully, really happy - and that's all that matters.

I hope you too, kind reader, find your happiness in this strange but beautiful imperfect world.

Not that ever smiling happiness bullshit out there - but the calm, simpler kind. Like a conforting warm drink in a cold night. Like a much needed hug. I hope you feel like life is embracing you, like a friend.

Thanks for reading. Take care out there!